My journey navigating a loss of a parent and how art has been part of my recovery.
I try not to post too much about my journey with grief as I know everyone is having their own struggles. But this weekend past marks 5 years of losing my dad and I really wanted to share this image (see above) I made a few years ago and it got me reflecting on the past 5 years. Also seeing snow in places today makes me think of the magical day around 2 years ago when I was working on this book The Brightest Garden and it started to snow, which felt like a sign from my dad to keep carrying on ❄️
Experiencing such a heavy grief has been whirlwind. It never leaves you, it creeps up on you when you don’t expect. But it also hugs you when you really need it.
People have said to me throughout this, time is a healer, life carry’s on, you’ll get through it, which have been a phrases I’ve struggled with. Because they’re such throwaway comments. To me, it feels like someone is saying you’ll get over it, you’ll forget about it, it will fade, move on. Throughout this I have always got so worried about forgetting memories but then at the same time I get worried about remembering so much. Thats something I have learnt to carry with me and treasure. Treasuring the little snippets that remind me of my dad, whether it’s hearing piano music, seeing a robin, smelling fresh coffee in the morning, seeing someone who looks like him. And when the bad memories reappear I try to act knowledge them and not suppress them, taking some time to myself and having a break.
Why I have such fond memories of the print room is because I used it as my therapy. I made a book dedicated to my dad and my feelings of grief (see first image).
It wasn’t until I stopped trying to plan a story and just let the process of exploration of playing with paint, colour, shape that it really started to come together.
It’s only really now I look back that I can see why it helped me so much. I got to have many intimate conversations with different people in that special place about my journey with grief and discuss other peoples experiences and perspectives. The safe space of the print room really allowed me to express my grief in a new way and it will always hold a special place in my heart for that.
The idea behind the book I started to develop on my MA The Brightest Garden was how I felt during one of the toughest winters.
This story was inspired by my dad, who used to love gardening. When he passed away at winter time the garden was a constant reminder that he was no longer here. But one day during spring I looked out onto the garden and felt his presence, as all the flowers he previously planted came to bloom. It felt like magic. Although the flowers coming to life wasn’t instant that particular day, the feeling felt so strong to me and was a light through a very difficult time. I’ve carried that feeling with me ever since and now whenever visit home, I look out into the garden I feel at peace and feel my dad’s presence. Through this book I tried to portray a gentle story of seasonal change, the love of a garden and those who look after it. It centres around a child who is guided through grief by the embodiment of Winter. The journey shows the girl’s relationship with Winter and how she tries to understand when something or someone is gone, they can come back and be remembered in new ways.
The images were developed by thinking through making in the print room. I used Offset-mono printing to make the artwork. The process involves painting straight onto a lithography plate, this allowed me to play with shape organically. I enjoyed playing with a variety of materials, such as French chalk, sponges and rags to wipe away the ink, adding to the mystery of the Winter character. I used Tosa Washi paper which showed all the brush strokes and textures enhancing the softness and creating a mystical feel to my images.
As much as I would love this book to be published one day and it’s a story I think still has a journey to go on, but to know the impact it had on my recovery means its always going to be special to me. To see more images from The Brightest Garden click here
If you’re still reading this, thank you 💕 if you’re on the grief train whatever platform you’ve reached- know that it’s your own unique journey.
That you’re doing your best, it’s ok to have bad days and it’s ok to have good days. Try not to feel guilty about either. Treasure those memories good and bad and take care of yourself.
For those who haven’t experienced trauma, hold your loved ones close and be aware of those around you who have. Be always kind, be patient and try to understand that grief never goes away, it is something we treasure and carry with us everyday. 💙
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